My heart in your hands (english version)
by sisterchris88
Summary: AU season 3. Storyline about Mary/Matthew and how they Always find a way to each other. I wanted to show how much love Mary has in her heart. [you can find the same story also in italian, and i'm so happy to share a english version now thanks to GinnyBrandon93]


_I want to tell a big thanks to GinnyBrandon93, I looked for a beta for months because i wanted to share my story in english and she is helping me, you're wonderful thank you! Someone of you may have read a similar story but i decided to delete it and start again with Ginny help so it is better and with more details...I'm really happy because I'm posting this in italian and now in english. Enjoy!_

* * *

End of April, 1920

Mary and Matthew had got back from their honeymoon only some days before; they were still blissful, thanks to the moments they had finally been able to share, and the joy to spend every day with each other.

Everybody at Downton was looking up to them; they had seen them secretly in love with each other for years, and Mary and Matthew had gone through so many bad times…

Anyway, they now were husband and wife, and one day Downton would have had the Earl and Countess it deserved. Yet, they didn't know that the future of the Abbey was in danger.

Robert tortured himself every day, desperately looking for a solution that apparently did not exist.

Mary and Matthew had often debated the issue, but it scared the young Lady; Downton was her home, her future, and she couldn't picture living anywhere else.

That morning, Mary was waiting for Anna and her breakfast, and she was lost in her thoughts, gazing through the window at the gardens of her estate. It couldn't end for a bad investment, it simply couldn't…

During the honeymoon, she had promised Matthew not to talk about it, and she had been so lost in their happiness that she had chosen not to think about it.

It had been so wonderful, and in some moments she had even dared to hope that everything would be alright when they got back. She knew it was impossible; she knew that it was only an illusion, and yet she had hoped that, by some kind of magic, Mr. Reginald Swire's heirloom would have lost its importance…

It made her nervous. Matthew had been adamant, but that was their only chance… how could she let it go?

And then, she saw him, heading out in the garden, followed by Isis… Matthew.

A smile crept up to her lips, so very sweet.

Were they really married? Had it really happened? How could one be so completely happy? In some moments, she thought she didn't deserve it. It had taken so, so long, but in the end she had married Matthew – the _solicitor_- the only one who could read her heart even better than she could… She had pretended for so long that she didn't even have a heart, and now that very heart was beating furiously in her chest at the sight of the heir to Downton. She was so moved that tears welled up in her eyes, and she felt so stupid…

The simple idea of having him by her side made her happy.

Anna entered the room, making her jump; she was bringing her breakfast on a tray.

"Forgive me, Milady, I'm late." Mary smiled, her hair still in a loose braid.

"It's going to be a long day, Anna." She had an appointment with the Dowager Countess; in that circumstance she was her best ally, the only one who could help her in her attempt to save Downton and her father.

Why couldn't it be easier?

She had never thought of a future that didn't involve the estate; that house was a part of her and she would do anything to keep it, and her grandmother with her.

There had been several furious quarrels with Matthew about that, and so it had been Violet to suggest plan B: convincing the _American Grand-mama_, as Mary playfully named her talking with her own husband.

An hour later, Mary was ready to go downstairs; wearing a simple grey dress decorated by some buttons and her hair coiffed by Anna, she was perfect.

She greeted Carson, asking him where Mr. Crawley was, and she found her husband in the study, deeply absorbed in his papers.

"Here you are, darling" Matthew said when she entered. She bent, kissing him on his cheek. "Are you going out?" he asked.

"Yes, I need to talk to Granny about…"

_Oh, dear, not again…_ she could read it in her husband's eyes, and she really didn't mean to talk about that matter again.

She did feel quite nervous that morning, and quarrelling with him was the last thing she wanted.

"No, Matthew, I don't mean to discuss _that_ with you again. Do you remember the promise I made you while we were away?" Matthew smiled crookedly at her.

"Sure. Not a word on Mr. Swire's heirloom." Mary sat in his lap.

"Exactly. Yesterday I had an horrible time, quarreling with you, and that isn't what I want for us. It's an horrible situation, and I really am trying to understand your point of view… But, when I think about Papa…"

Matthew lowered his gaze.

"No, look at me" she said, gently raising his face with her hand. "I will find a way. Without that money. We will find a way, but I need your help. I still don't know every shade of Granny's plan, so… I need to be sure that you're on my side."

His gaze softened.

"On which other side could I be? Always…"

He kissed her passionately. He knew how difficult that situation was for Mary, what a trial it was for her.

She was so pragmatic, so resolved to have everything under her control, and she simply wanted to solve that problem.

"Matthew! Somebody could enter the room, and…" Mary had always been quite shy in front of her family and the servants, but she couldn't resist him…

"And what? Let them see… You're my wife, now, Mary Crawley."

The way he uttered those words made her want to kiss him even more than she already did.

He held her in his arms, and it looked like that kiss was never going to end.

"I must go, now, but I'm starting to be jealous of this desk… You're always here", she said, teasingly, standing up .

There were lots of letters on the bureau; Matthew's office had sent them up to Crawley House during their honeymoon.

"Don't. Nothing on earth could ever distract me from you, my darling." Mary blushed. How did he get to say the right thing, the thing that took her breath away, every single time?

"I will have to worry, the day you won't be this… endearing to me. It's so easy, now that we've been married for a few weeks only…" she was only joking, but she felt her eyes prickle.

It was most unusual for her, but she still felt like it was all unreal, too wonderful to be true. Matthew was in love with _her._

"I'll tell you every day, if you want me to…" He escorted her to the door; they needed to tell Carson to get the car ready.

"And as far as our promise is concerned, is also the punishment the same?" Mary asked, laughing; Carson was near, and hearing her happy, genuine laughter, he smiled. He was happy for her.

During their honeymoon, Matthew had decided that, if Mary wasn't able not to talk about the heirloom, he would have silenced her with a kiss, and they had both found the thing was really agreeable.

"Sure" Mary answered. "I'll see you later." Matthew kissed her hand, and let her go.

When she got at the Dowager Countess', Mary was really nervous, but the meeting calmed her down. Everything seemed possible for her grandmother, even getting Martha Levinson to agree to save Downton with her own money.

She knew her grandmother wouldn't surrender.

They plotted for ours, trying to decide how to show her why it was so important Downton, and the Earls of Grantham, could go on running like they had in the past.

She got home for lunch a bit more light hearted, ready to spend some time with Matthew.

During the meal, Edith seemed to be waiting for the moment Mary would start pointing out Sir Anthony Strallan's shortcomings, but she was surprised to see that her sister didn't do such a thing; she looked lost in her own thoughts and Matthew could see himself she wasn't eating much.

"Mary, are you sure you're all right?" her mother asked.

"I'm fine, mama. Don't worry." She wasn't very convincing, not for Matthew at least, who kept on looking at her.

"Our Mary surely misses France, and she still has to recover from her long honeymoon". Martha's contributions were often inappropriate, and Mary exchanged a knowing look with her father.

Robert was the first who wondered hopefully when his mother-in-law would leave Downton, but nobody seemed to know for sure.

During the afternoon, Matthew had a talk with Robert; it was time Lord Grantham knew that Mary had told him everything about the financial difficulties of the estate.

He had been looking at him as to a father for years, and he had to tell him everything about Swire's heirloom; meanwhile, he was wondering on the reason for Mary's strange behavior at lunch; she seemed upset, even though she had looked quite serene when she had left that morning.

Robert listened carefully while Matthew explained him why he didn't feel like using the money Reginald Swire had probably left him.

"Don't worry, son, you aren't even sure you will get that money, after all. I have made a mistake, and my family will pay with me. Mary did the right thing, telling you; your future will be deeply changed by this…"

Lord Grantham stroke Isis.

Silence came; Matthew wasn't sure he would inherit that money, but the chances were high, and he felt so terribly unsure.

Mary was in the garden, reading a book, when she heard the engine of a car entering the estate.

It was Edith; she didn't need to ask to know where she had been. At Sir Anthony's.

Her sister was so taken by that man, as if there was no one better on the earth.

She thought that, and she felt guilty the moment after. Was she too strict? Edith was a mystery for her; what did she see in Sir Anthony, a man who was so old, and now had also a paralyzed hand? Marrying him? Why? To spend her life as a nurse?

_You were ready to do that, Mary, _a little voice from the bottom of her heart said. _You were in love._

Was it so unbelievable that Edith could be in love with Anthony Strallan? Maybe, she was starting to understand.

Mary was going back to her reading when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped.

It was Matthew, and he sat down near to her.

"What were you thinking about, Mary?" he looked at her for a while, and she seemed to be far away.

"Just… Oh, it doesn't matter." It was just Edith, and… the past.

"You're making me curious… you seemed to be so far away, just like at lunch. Mary?" he touched her hand; it was icy.

"I was thinking about Edith. She's just got back." Her husband's face betrayed his surprise. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I think about her… Sometimes… I mean… I was thinking about this… Crush of hers for Sir Anthony."

"What do you think about it? I know you don't like him very much."

Actually, she didn't care too much about Sir Anthony, but she knew her thoughts were getting to the point.

"Granny doesn't approve, she says that Edith would become a nurse for the rest of her life, and maybe she's right… but suddenly I have realized that I would have done the same…" she paused for a long moment, locking her gaze with his. "… for you."

Matthew looked at her with loving eyes.

_What if someone would simply want to be with you? On any terms?_

They thought back to the same memory. That day, in the hospital. She would have stayed with him, no matter what.

"I think Edith is in love with him… Because when you're in love with somebody, you take anything, as long as you can be with him…" she was quite surprised by her words; Edith and her with something in common.

"What if someone would simply want to be with you? On any terms?" Matthew repeated the questions Mary had asked him years before. "I have always known that that day, you said those words because you wanted to be with me, no matter what." He caressed her face.

"And you said that no one in their right mind could want to. But I did. With my whole heart."

Matthew was moved by Mary's words.

He had been a broken man, back then, and he couldn't have guessed that he would have got his life back… with Mary.

"You have been with me, in every moment. We've been through so much, you and I. And I have been so lucky to have you." Mary wiped off a tear. Why couldn't she help crying that day? Everything moved her.

"Oh, Matthew, I wasn't so good at the start. Eight years are such a long time… don't you ever think… if…" she couldn't say that; tears and memories took words away.

"If we had gotten married before? Sure I've thought about that, especially during those days, at the hospital. But you were there, even though we weren't married. You're always with me, in good and bad memories. There are many ways to love somebody, and _you showed me that_."

Mary was still crying. Why was she? When Matthew saw her sobbing, he hugged her, kissing her forehead. _"My Mary."_

"Are you serious?" she was astonished. _Mary Crawley, showing it was possible to love in many ways._

"I love you, Matthew. I love you so much."

"I love you, too, Mary. And I will as long as we walk the earth. There will be nothing we won't be able to face, as long as we are together."

Mary had never imagined in her life she could deserve so much love.

They stayed in each other's arms, silent after such a deep, truthful exchange.

Only after a while, Matthew asked Mary about her meeting with her grandmother and the latest developments of the big matter.

"What about Lady Violet's plan?" Mary smiled against Matthew's chest. It was her favourite place, she had recently found out.

"You'll see. Granny's more confident, but she always is. She will conquer the fortress, or she'll perish on the battlefield." They laughed together.

Suddenly, Mary felt a sharp pain. Her hand flew to her stomach. Another sharp pain. It was unbearable. She got away from Matthew, trying to figure out what was happening.

"Mary, what's wrong?" she didn't answer, but Matthew could understand from her expression that something was wrong. "Mary?"

"It's all right, don't worry."

Truth to be told, she had no idea of what was happening; she had never felt a pain like that.

"You're not all right, Mary, we should get back in and…" Matthew was really worried.

"Just give me a minute. Maybe it's nothing, I'm trying to understand…" it was something similar to her period, but the pain had never been this sharp.

She had been hoping to get pregnant since she'd married Matthew, but…

Matthew had knelt down beside her, looking at her with sorrow in his eyes.

"I think it's my monthly." She looked almost sad. Matthew stroked her cheek, trying to erase her embarrassment.

"My father was a doctor, you know?" he didn't want her to feel uneasy with him. "Lean on me, we'll get back in the house, and you'll have something hot to drink. Some tea shall be good for you."

Mary looked a bit better, and they got back indoor. She was really pale, and Matthew didn't look away from her for a second. When they got back in the library, he rang and Carson appeared immediately.

"Carson, could we have some tea? Lady Mary is feeling ill and I think something hot would be good for her. Could you get Anna, too? Thank you". The butler looked at her with a worried expression, too.

"Sure, ".

Matthew went back to Mary.

"You're so pale, are you sure you haven't caught a fever?" he put a hand on her forehead.

"Are you a doctor now? Don't worry, it'll go away soon." Mary was trying to convince herself, too, but that sharp pain, coming and going in waves, wasn't her period. She knew it wasn't.

Anna entered, and she went straight to Lady Mary's side.

"Maybe it would be better to rest, Anna can accompany me upstairs." Matthew looked like he was ready to disagree. "You know, these are women's issues." She tried to smile, but she felt the pain was coming back.

"I'll go and get the tea from Carson. I'll be upstairs in a minute". He kissed her forehead and left, and Anna helped Mary to stand.

"As soon as you'll have rested a bit you'll feel better, milady." Mary accepted her help.

She didn't speak; she was trying to understand, and she was relieved to see that the pain seemed to go away.

After a few minutes, Matthew and Carson were bringing the tea tray upstairs, when Anna found them.

"It's Lady Mary!" her alarmed tone scared Matthew, who abandoned Carson and the tea tray and hurriedly followed her, to find Mary on the stairs, terrible pains shaking her.

He kneeled down next to her.

"Something is wrong, Matthew." Her voice was scared, and her eyes… "This isn't… This isn't like the other times…" Anna was looking at them, clearly worried.

"Mary, look at me… Don't worry, everything will be all right… Anna, go and fetch Dr. Clarkson. Send a car if you have to, I want him here straight away!"

Carson and Anna had rarely heard that imperious tone in Matthew's voice.

"I'll bring you to your room". He took her in his arms, and she tied her arms to his neck. What was happening? Matthew was terrified at the simple thought of her suffering. She was crying, now, the pain so strong that she was unable to hold back the tears.

He put her down on their bed, slowly and carefully, and he sat at her side, holding her hand.

"Love?" Matthew caressed her forehead.

"Maybe I'm wrong, Matthew, but I'm pretty sure this has nothing to do with my period…" Mary was scared.

"You aren't. I know you. You don't get sick, you don't complain and this pain must be so… sharp…"

Mary was strong, and seeing her like this made him suffer, too.

Oh, God, he wanted to help her.

"It looks like it's going, but then it comes back and it doesn't end."

He shushed her.

"Don't waste energy. The doctor is coming, and soon we'll know what's happening. I promise. Try to sleep now, maybe it'll be better."

He kissed her hand.

They had to wait.

He couldn't lose her.

He had to wait.

_Were they really ready to face everything?_

* * *

_Thank you for your time. Reviews are Always welcome._

_next chap: Matthew will have a secret with Mary. Cora is wondering about Mary. "Somebody" shows up to buy downton. _


End file.
